No Appointments Available!

I'm gonna throw a curve ball this week: no meetings with real or quasi-celebrities, no ancient radio tales, no cute stories about Young Irv. Nope, we're gonna be like lots of other blogs this week and talk about something that happened in the present time. Like last-week-present-time...

First let's clean up a couple messes: yes, the blog went out incorrectly last week, sending you the website's template rather than my actual column. Totally my fault--I knew that the icon looked wrong before I hit 'send', but I hit it anyway. This is called 'ignoring reality', which will come up again later in this week's story.

I quickly sent out a corrected version, then cringed as I watched the website counter quickly click off the number of you guys who were opening the first one; when the counting was done, more people opened the wrong one than the real column!

WTF, people?!

That's ok. My bad and (hopefully,) lesson learned. But just to make the whole experience more painful, I sat back and re-read the story the next day, only to find multiple typos. (And BTW, 'Basterds' as in "Inglorious Basterds" was not one of them!)

So what's up with me? Am I working too fast? Am I preoccupied with other life events? Am I tiring of creating and posting this blog every week?

Let's hope that last one's not true Though I'm admittedly having trouble coming up with new story ideas, I still love imagining, creating, then spending a day-and-a-half bringing these memories back to life ...Which leads to this week's cautionary tale:

When did you first hear about the REAL ID? I probably did about a year or so ago, warned by a few OCD-ridden friends, the ones always concerned about getting every task taken care of long before the thing in question is really needed.

As a matter of fact, let's start calling out some readers, without mentioning any names of course. One of this blog's regulars reminded me two months ago that he and his wife were coming to town to buy me dinner in the city. "Remind me again," I inquired, "are you guys coming at the end of March or April?"

"No," he barked. "May!"

I guffawed. "OK," I said, "Remind me again in May!"

Nope--I'm definitely Last-Minute Guy. I pride myself on waiting until a few days before planning things, or until I actually need an item, before actually acquiring it. This was no doubt bred in me by my haphazard family and was solidified in my formative days. As a matter of fact, before I even got to college, I had become fairly adept at writing all my papers the night before they were due.

This habit was solidified when I was a senior. I was taking a psychology course and had a paper due which would serve as the main ingredient in my final grade. It was an assignment I was not looking forward to completing, so I kept stalling--right up until the night before the last class, when I realized part-way through my paper that it was awful and I had absolutely no idea what I was writing about.

"Welp," I admitted to myself, shutting it down for the night. "I'm finally going to have to admit that waiting until the last minute is going to burn me and I'm going to fail this course. Nice run while it lasted though..." However, the professor took pity on me and gave me a very low, but ultimately passing grade, thereby allowing me to get through the course. "Ah-ha", I chortled. "Waiting until the last minute works again!"

And so, when I heard waaaay back in 2024 that the REAL ID, the new driver's license needed by all citizens who want to travel by air, was going into effect on May 7th, 2025,

I nodded dismissively. "Got some time on that one," I mused, and moved on with my life.

I even took a couple of flights this past March, where the friendly TSA guy was politely warning everyone that we would need that REAL ID by May the 7th if we were planning on flying. We all nodded.

I mean, how tough could it be? Knowing I was planning on air travel again this June, I figured to go down to the DMV sometime before my trip, fill out whatever forms would be needed, and return home with my new REAL ID license in tow. As a matter of fact, my old license was set to expire on my birthday later in June, and the DMV actually sent me an application for my new one. "Great," I thought. "they're making this easy--I'll just fill out the paperwork for my new license and it'll be a REAL ID, right?"

Yeah, you're ahead of me on this one.

When I got my renewed ID in the mail, it was the same as my old one, with no REAL ID star anywhere on it. Strike one.

"You've got to make an appointment first," scolded the same OCD-ridden friends who had told me about the ID last year.

OK, so I went to the DMV website, collected all the paperwork they said would be needed (old license, Social Security card, utility bill, birth certificate) and headed down to the closest Motor Vehicles office. I got no further than the security guard whom I stopped to ask for help. "Nope," he instructed, "you've got to make it on-line. They don't take walk-in appointments for the REAL ID..."

I asked if I could go to the information desk anyway, just to make sure my paperwork was in order. When I got there, I spread it all out before the guy in the booth. He looked it over and naturally found a problem. "Your birth certificate is no good."

I couldn't understand that comment, as it definitely had my name and date of birth on it. He shook his head and pointed to the background of the certificate, which clearly read 'VOID.' "This is a copy," he said.

Now how the hell did that happen? I remember sending for a replacement certificate when I became Mercedes' executor. Where did THAT copy go? I shook my head. 'OK', I thought calmly. 'At least I checked first, so I'll be prepared when I do get my appointment.' Which seemed easy enough until the security guard stopped me on the way out.

"It's very hard to get an appointment right now," he confided. "Go on-line and search all the DMV's until you find one. The best bet would be to check at 12:01 am every night. That's when they re-load the website."

Uh...what?

I got home and found out he was right: there are about two dozen DMV's in the state of New Jersey and each one was listed on the website with a blue icon that you had to click to find an appointment. I started with the closest offices. 'NO APPOINTMENTS AVAILABLE'. I checked offices farther away...'NO APPOINTMENTS AVAILABLE'. I gave in and started checking in the farthest reaches of the state. 'NO...'

Okay, you get the idea.

I checked the next afternoon, then at 12:01 that night. Nothing. I started checking every time I sat down at the computer. That's when the website started to tease me...

Sometimes it would show an appointment available at a particular location. But when I'd click on the icon, the appointment would suddenly disappear. This would happen a couple of times a day. But that wasn't enough of a tease: every other day or so, I would find an appointment in some far-flung Jersey outpost. I'd click on the icon, fill in my name and address, check a couple of boxes and hit enter, only to be greeted with a sudden 'This appointment is no longer available' on my screen, as if someone across the state had grabbed it ahead of me.

I was pretty sure I heard the website make a chuckling sound every time this happened.

The torture would continue for almost a week. There'd either be no appointments anywhere, appointments would disappear as soon as I clicked on the box, or it would wait until I auto-filled my info and then tell me the appointment was no longer available.

Meanwhile, I also had to send for a new birth certificate. If that even took a 'normal' delivery time, it would probably add another week to ten days to my mission.

It was May 1st, I had about six weeks to go before my trip with no encouraging prospects of getting the ID I needed. Panic set in.

***********************************

Miraculously, I got my replacement birth certificate within the week and silently thanked the city of New York for their efficiency. Now back to the task at hand...

A few people had asked if I had an up-to-date passport, as that is always a best bet for travel and was even listed on the DMV website as a valid alternative. I thought for a second about the last time I had used a passport. "Is 1982 considered 'up-to-date'?" I got a groan in response and it was suggested that this may be my best bet. I balked at first, aware that getting a passport included even more papers to collect, pictures to take, and lots of time to spend waiting for the finished product to arrive.

But I had to admit it might be faster, especially when I saw there was an 'expedited' option on the passport Google page. As a matter of fact, the Google page had options for even faster delivery if one was inclined to pay a little extra.

I was very inclined!

I was directed to an independent website which promised that the passport would be ready within like two weeks, so I took out my credit card and began to fill out the application. It wasn't too difficult. I looked at the list of items I needed to collect and it was pretty much the same as the list I needed for the REAL ID. It then directed me to print out the completed application and bring it, along with my other paperwork, to the nearest passport depot, which happened to be my local post office. (The one known by all Hudson County residents as being the most annoying, inefficient, and nasty post office in the country. A two-star rating on Yelp! for this particular PO would be considered a good review!)

But I called them anyway and got an appointment two weeks away. When I was finished, I sat down to consider what I had just done. I had paid $144 for a passport application from a website that I had never investigated. I then decided to Google this website and the first choice that popped up, after the website itself, had the word 'fraud' listed after it. Great.

This was followed by lots of reviews and warnings about using these scam websites to acquire a quickie passport. To compare and contrast, I went to the official government website (which I obviously should have done in the first place,) and saw that the application there was pretty much the same as the one I had just filled out. But the next part scared me: the government website added the note that "this does not include up to four weeks for delivery..." I went back to the first website and checked the small print. The additional four-week warning had been there too, I had just been working too fast to notice it.

I was never a good math student, but two weeks plus four weeks, equals...yep, almost to the date of my flight! I had spent $144 to find out that I still might not be able to legally travel! The thought that I might have been scammed, coupled with the possible six-week wait for a passport, sent me right back to playing the DMV game: clicking on two dozen icons ten times a day, only to be told that there were NO APPOINTMENTS AVAILABLE...

I might have given up and just waited for my passport appointment, when I got a text from a (casual) reader of this blog who informed me that her mother's friend had kept working on-line and found an appointment at a nearby DMV office. "Use other devices," she suggested. "Use your phone, your tablet. Just keep refreshing!"

So, after almost giving up totally, I sighed and went back to work, clicking on each office and seeing the usual rejections. When I got to one of the office icons representing some DMV outpost that seemed to be on the other side of the state, I was greeted with the option of not one, but two appointments available. Shrugging and expecting the usual frustration, I clicked on the first and was rejected before I could even fill in my name. I moved to the second supposedly available appointment, filled in my info and clicked enter. NO APPOINTMENTS AVAILABLE greeted me again.

But then something happened.

A graphic popped up in the little box actually CONFIRMING my appointment! What?

Had to be a mistake. But no, it said: 'Your appointment for REAL ID is confirmed for tomorrow at 1:15pm'... Could this possibly be true??

I went to my inbox and there it was: an email from New Jersey Motor Vehicles again confirming my appointment to get my REAL ID the next afternoon in Oakland, NJ!

I didn't even know there was an Oakland in New Jersey...but at that point I would have driven to Oakland, California if it meant getting the required license!

***********************

I was excited. I was so excited I dreamt about it that night! No, seriously. I dreamt I was in Boston for some reason and heard the Bruins were playing a day game. I was all set to go when I realized that if I did that, I would miss my appointment at the DMV! Then in my dream, I looked at my phone and realized that even if I left Boston right then I might still miss it. So I hurried to look for a train...(yes, this was my true dream. Psychotherapists, please take note...)

I got up a little earlier than usual the next day, performed my morning rituals (we all have them,) and left early without eating. One thing I always think about when going somewhere new, especially where there may be people I'm trying to impress, is what shirt I should wear. If you know me at all, you're aware that I have a vast collection of t-shirts, polo shirts, and sports jerseys and I always try to wear what I think is the most appropriate. So, for my trip to the DMV, I chose a collared shirt adorned with a multitude of cat faces. I usually wear this when I play cards in Atlantic City, and have gotten every possible reaction to it, most of it positive and yes, most of it from 'older' females. This was a demographic I figured I would be up against on this trip.

Oakland, NJ was, thankfully, only about 40 minutes from my house, in a small shopping plaza off the main road. I was about a half hour early, so I wandered into a frozen yogurt place and nonchalantly ate a cup of pineapple/ cookie dough yogurt with fresh fruit and sprinkles. (Tip: pineapple frozen yogurt--not a good idea!)

I entered the office about 15 before my appointment (as instructed,) was handed an information card to fill out and was told to stand in line. I sat down to fill out the card as quickly as I could, then lined up behind about a dozen other REAL ID hopefuls. About halfway through the line, someone behind me asked if the cards should be filled in first.

"No," instructed some yenta in front of me. "You're not supposed to fill out anything until you get up there!"

Wait, what? I looked at my filled-in card, then surreptitiously tried to look at some of the cards being held by the people on line with me. Most were filled in, some were not.

Good grief. Didn't the woman at the desk tell me to fill this out? Am I going to have to fill out a new one and get back in line? Will this mean I'll miss my appointed time??

Damn it!

It was the yenta's turn to go to the next window. (Yenta? Jewish for a know-it-all who needs to be in everybody's business...) She and her husband strode up with their cards--and were immediately told to go sit down and fill them out! She bitched about losing her place in line but was told she could come right back up when she was done. So they sat down...

HA!

It was finally my turn. When I got to the window, the woman asked if I had my paperwork. "I have it all," I said confidently, and began handing her my things one at a time. I had a nervous moment when she perused my replacement birth certificate; after a second, she looked up at me. "I love your shirt," she said.

The guy working at the next window glanced up from his customer's paperwork to see it. "Wow, nice," he agreed.

"Not everybody thinks so," I offered. "Some people are scared by all the cat faces." He shook his head in disbelief. "I don't talk to those people," I added.

We all laughed and I suddenly knew I wouldn't have any more problems. My choice of clothing had worked! The icing came a minute later when the woman going over my paperwork finally said: "Looks like you have everything! "She clipped my papers together and handed them back along with my number.

"Now go sit over there and wait for your number to be called. They'll take care of your ID." I thanked her and proudly walked past the rest of the line to the seating area.

I have to say though still not perfect, compared to the way they operated in the past, the DMV has greatly improved. If you're younger than say, 40, you probably have no idea what an unorganized, frustrating and time-killing zoo it was to even register a vehicle before they modernized their system. Now, as you are probably aware, you get your number, sit in a straight-backed plastic chair, and wait to be called.

Today's wait was a little longer than I would have liked, but I was so relieved at this point that I didn't mind. My number was finally announced, so I glided to the last window and handed the woman my papers. She spread them out and began to study them while I waited. She had my utility bill out and was comparing it to my credit card statement. "Why," she asked thoughtfully, "does the utility company think your name is 'Irving', when everything else says 'Irvin'?

NO!

Please-- I can't have gone this far to have everything crash and burn because some idiot at PSE&G made a typo! I mumbled a string of excuses as fast as I could think:

"They've never heard the name 'Irvin'", I tried. "They just made a mistake..." "Everything else is right..."

I wanted to rant and rave that no one at PSE&G in Hudson County speaks any damn English, so they probably never even heard the names 'Irvin' OR 'Irving', but I held my tongue. And my breath.

She shook her head, sat still for way too long, then had an idea. "Y'know what? I don't need the utility bill. I'll just use your license as your other proof of identity." She handed back the offensive piece of paper.

Thank you, bless you..."Great," was all I said.

She clipped my papers together, had me sign a few things, then took the required photo. "How's that?" she asked.

I shook my head. It looked horrible. "Unless you can totally change it, that's the best I'm gonna look," I admitted sadly.

She chuckled and charged me $11. "You should have your REAL ID in seven to ten days." I thanked her.

"Love your shirt," she said and handed me back the rest of my papers.

*******************************

I am sitting here about to hit "Publish", the first step in sending out this blog. But I'm hovering. I'm acting like it's a done deal, but in reality, I haven't gotten my REAL ID yet.

If I send this blog out to everyone will that jinx it? Will it turn out that the utility bill with my misspelled first name is a deal-breaker? Did she really say 'four to six weeks', and I thought I heard 'seven to ten days'?

Does the person with the final say over my fate possibly hate cats?

Hell with it, I'm sending it out.

I'll keep you posted.

IG