Why I Hate Watching Sports

Do I really hate watching sports? Of course not, but I figured it was a good way to hook you guys, especially those of you that, well, hate watching sports!

As you might guess, with the number of readers of this blog, there is a group that I've known for a long time; I've bonded with many of these friends and acquaintances over our appreciation of following sports in general, and our favorite teams in particular. But there is also a fairly large band of readers of this blog who never watch a game, have little to no interest in reading about them, and whose sports fandom goes no further than attending an annual Super Bowl party and waiting for the commercials to come on. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, of course.

It's called freedom of choice, so I try not to make these blogs too sports-centric, except when I feel the story I'm telling is too entertaining to ignore.

I've often felt that my attraction to professional and college games is for a lot of the same reasons that I like films by Hitchcock and Tarantino, and the same reason I was addicted to the TV show 'Dallas': I love great stories.

I always thought that the NFL was like an 18-week soap opera. The tale starts every Thursday night, continues full force for (at least) eleven hours on Sunday, then caps off its storytelling on Monday night. And the whole narrative is televised!

If you are indeed a football fan, how many times do you go to work on Monday morning, or start texting your football buds on Sunday night, asking things like: "Did you see the Chargers' quarterback is down for the year? How are they going to make the playoffs now?" Or "The Giants' rookie running back ran for 200 yards. And they face the Cowboys next week-- but Dallas is so bad, they could win that..."

The questions are endless, the plotlines fascinating. And that's just football. The stories are captivating whether it's March Madness, the annual Ohio State-Michigan game, or the World Series. Sports never lacks for high-level drama and shocking outcomes for those of us who indulge.

But it's gotten to the point where I simply cannot sit there watching it on television any more...

Someone asked recently if I still like spending my Sundays in front of my TV during football season. I looked at them incredulously: I don't think I've spent a Sunday like that in twenty years!

(Don't forget, I still work at the Borgata Sports Book in AC every other Sunday, where I am literally surrounded by every game...but I'm way too busy to actually watch a lot of them.)

On the Sundays when I am home, I start the day as usual, feeding the cats and checking my e-mails. Then yes, I spend some time researching, creating, and placing a bunch of bets on that day's games, always convinced that I'm in for a profitable day! (Though those hopes turn out to be a fantasy more often than not, of course...) And then I go about my day: grocery shopping, doing laundry, cleaning litter boxes.

Don't get me wrong--I am acutely aware of the scores, down and distance, and what quarter each and every game is in at all times, thanks to the miracles of Sirius/ XM radio and the CBS Sports app. Many a Sunday afternoon, I've stood in the canned goods section at ShopRite, slamming down a container of tomato sauce and cursing the Lions' quarterback for throwing a pick-six when he was looking for a receiver in the end zone.

Then, sometime around 4:30 or so, I will finally sit down and turn on the day's showcase game; but I don't always pay full attention to that either. I open whatever book I'm reading. I turn down the audio and turn on a podcast I'm trying to catch up on. I nap. But I rarely just sit still and watch a game...

Naturally some of that can be credited to my ADHD. And this is one of those times that I am actually happy about that particular affliction, as it forces me to get up and do stuff rather than vegetate all day.

But I have to tell you, that I am so sick and tired of the phony and repetitive shenanigans that pass as sports journalism nowadays, that I end up yelling at the TV more often than I'm listening.

So come with me now, sports fans, as we explore the various things that drive me nuts about televised games, each one capped off by 'What Irv would do?':

1) Vacuous sideline reporters (yes male AND female) who stick live microphones in the faces of players and coaches and ask the same ridiculous butt-kissing questions ad nauseum:

"How did you feel when you hit that game-winning homer?"

"What were you thinking when you caught that amazing touchdown pass?"

Then they look up at the athlete and smile their plastic smiles, nodding like bobble heads as the player returns the favor with a vapid, cliched reply.

What Irv would do: I often wish that there was some way I could be a professional athlete for just one day, not to soak in the adulation of adoring fans, but just so I could get the chance to participate in one of these 'interviews':

"Hey Irv, how did you..."

"Stop. No questions please with the words 'think' or 'feel' in them. If you do use either of those words in any of your questions, the interview is over. Okay, go!"

Then I would stand with my arms crossed and grin evilly while the 'journalist' tried desperately to re-word their mindless question. I get all tingly inside just thinking about this.

2) Players Mic'd up and 'interviewed' during games. Really? It was bad enough when hockey sideline reporters would jam their way on to team benches during stoppages in play to ask the coach 'what can your guys do to generate more offense?" Nope, it got worse: now they actually clip microphones to baseball players' jerseys and talk to them during games!

"Hey Mike, how is it out there in centerfield?"

"Oh, it's great. I love it."

"What does your team have to do to generate more offense?"

I swear, every sports fan I've spoken to about this subject says the same thing: we are all rooting for the player with the mic on his jersey to make an error because he was talking instead of concentrating on the game. And I think it actually happened once.

Irv's solution: an easy one. If I was an owner of a team in any sport, I would totally forbid any of my players or coaches to speak to the media during a game. Period. If the league wants to fine me, go ahead; as an owner I would no doubt be able to afford the fines.

How about this, ESPN reporters? I'll come to the studio in Bristol, Connecticut while you're doing a live telecast of SportsCenter and stand right next to you with a microphone asking childish questions:

"Hey, how did you know what the next highlight was going to be? Did it say so on that telestrator thingie? How do you read that? It's so small..."

Would ya like that? Hah?

3) Cliched regional video: Ever watch a game live from Philadelphia? What do they always show? C'mon, you know----a shot of a grill somewhere in the stadium, with a guy or gal in a food service uniform, flipping greasy pieces of steak off of a spatula and on to a hoagie roll, then slathering it with dripping piles of peppers and onions...yes, it's the Philly Cheesesteak! I swear, they took one video clip of a kid making a cheesesteak in like 1985 and have been using the same clip ever since.

Games from Texas, St. Louis or Kansas City? Gotta get those shots of people lined up to get their smoked rack o' ribs!

Seattle? Let's see that standard shot of aproned workers tossing dozens of smelly fish on to the docks outside the stadium. 'Cause if you can't actually be in Seattle, watching a whole trout flipping around on a dirty wooden floor is just as good!

And how many times do we have to see some kid eating ice cream out of a mini baseball helmet, with chocolate smeared across his face, as his parents totally ignore the mess?Or the cute little girl in her summer dress, covered from mouth to neck in sickly-looking pink cotton candy? Makes you just crave some of that crystallized sugar, doesn't it?

And don't start me on the required clothing: can we PUH-LEASE watch a football game from the state of Hawaii without the announcers wearing Hawaiian shirts--with leis around their necks? Just once? Pretty please??

Irv's solution? If I was a game producer for just one day I would forbid any shots of cheesesteaks when I was in Philly, grown men wearing silly-looking bowling shirts when I was in Hawaii, or shots of kids eating ice cream or cotton candy--- anywhere!

******************

Can I get serious for a second?

What really grinds my gears are the 'heart-warming stories' about the players' personal lives, designed solely to bring a tear to your jaded eye: the draft pick who promises to buy his grandmama a mansion with the first payment of his $50 million contract.

Or when the rookie plays his first game and we're forced to see shots of his entire family over and over again until he finally gets his first hit. (Actually, if a hot girlfriend is anywhere involved, I don't mind these shots...)

Then of course there's the tearful player who chokes up talking about his younger brother, who was killed in a drive-by shooting and how the whole season will be dedicated to him...

Think I'm being heartless?

Any idea how many grandmamas there are in any given city that don't have a decent place to live, but also don't have a grandson about to make stupid money for dunking a basketball?

Know how many families have kids starting new jobs today, but don't have anybody come see them perform, because nobody goes to watch you when you're pumping gas.... or cleaning hospital toilets?

And why not watch today's news and find out how many drive-by shootings took place last week in Chicago--or Baltimore--or Detroit. Yeah, probably the same cities that these guys play in--except those victims don't have a family member memorializing them on national TV or dedicating anything to their memory.

But because a guy can catch a pass, or hit a three-pointer, or throw a ball 98 miles an hour, he gets the sympathy of millions of viewers, while a deathly ill father of three who lives down your street wonders who's going to pay his hospital bills should he not survive.

And what is he doing to occupy his mind as he lies there worrying about these burdens?

He's probably watching a football game.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Next week: A little surprise and a big good-bye.

IG